


Body, Heart and Mind

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: Engaged, F/M, Reader-Insert, back from the dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 18:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	1. Chapter 1

There was a possibility he was going to vomit. After seven months, he was going home. The thing was his fiancee thought he was dead - as did the rest of the team. The only two who were privy to the fact that he was alive were Hotch and Morgan. Morgan was the one that had come to Italy to give him his new identity, passport, papers and spending money. Emily, JJ, Penelope, Rossi and Y/N had no idea that he was alive - but William McCutchin had finally been caught and it was time to go home. 

When he left, he’d been engaged to Y/N, the woman he loved. According to Morgan, who’d only contacted him once through a burner phone, she still wore the ring he’d given her, but he was so afraid that when he showed his face to the team again, the ring would be thrown back in his face; he wouldn’t have blamed her, but the idea made his heart nearly stop. Everything had gone so topsy-turvy in less than a year. Would she look at him the same way? Would her eyes light up and her heart flutter like it had when they first met? Or would her eyes fill with tears when she realized she’d been lied to for seven months? Of course, he couldn’t have done anything different, for his sake and theirs, but that wasn’t how Y/N was going to see it, at least he assumed so. 

Hotch and Morgan greeted him at the elevator. They brought him a cup of coffee just the way he liked it, which he thought was nice, but he couldn’t bring himself to drink it; his stomach was tied up in knots. Both did their best to comfort him. “Kid, everything’s gonna be okay,” Morgan said reassuringly. But Spencer wasn’t so sure. His lip quivered and he bit down to keep the tears at bay. 

When they walked into the room, everyone immediately stopped speaking. A smile spread across Garcia’s face as she approached him. “Oh my god, my Boy Genius,” she said, smudging pink lipstick on his face, “You’re alive. You’re okay. Oh my god, I’m so happy.”

JJ was flooded with tears as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Emily came up behind her and embraced him as well, both of them kissing him on opposite cheeks. They said nothing, but he could see that overall, they were glad he was back. Questions would need to be answered, but otherwise, everyone started exclaiming that he was alive and he was back, putting everything else aside. Everyone except the woman he wanted to see most, the woman whose arms he wanted to feel around his neck more than anything. “Y/N?” he asked, his eyes glazed over with tears as he reached out for her. 

She pulled away and grabbed her hand, feeling the ring underneath the palm of her hand and somehow realizing the weight of it again. “Why?” She asked. “I thought you were dead. How could you let me grieve like that?’

“I had to,” he said, desperately pulling away from everyone else and toward her in an attempt to get her to hear him out. “If you knew I was alive, McCutchin could have come after you. I had to leave to protect you.”

“I could’ve protected myself!” she screamed. “You didn’t allow me a voice in the matter! We were supposed to be in this life together!”

Hotch stepped forward. “If you want to be mad at someone Y/N, let it be me. My decision was final.” 

“Of course you knew,” she said, the tears falling from her eyes as she combed her fingers through her hair. “Oh my god, I thought my fiancee was dead and you let me believe it! How the fuck could you watch me grieve like that?”

“We had to,” he replied, reiterating Spencer’s earlier statement. Hotch rarely cried, but his eyes were slick with tears as well. “There was no other choice.”

Y/N’s breath hitched in her throat and she found it hard to inhale. Spencer once again attempted to comfort her, but she pulled away and glanced over at Morgan, who hadn’t said a thing. He hadn’t even hugged Spencer; that had to have meant that he knew too. “And you!” she cried, leaning back into the doorframe and attempting to keep her feet anchored to the ground. “You knew?!”

Morgan tried to explain himself, but she wouldn’t let him. Spencer could only stand by as the woman he loved more than anything else in the world, the woman he’d done this for to begin with, dissolved into a puddle of tears and shaking limbs. “I came to you sobbing for three months.” Her eyes were bulging and her skin was burning in brighter and brighter shades of pink. “I sat on your couch and sobbed while you held me and said I was going to make it through this and YOU KNEW!”

Before she did anything she’d regret, she spun around on her heels and ran out of the room and down the stairs. 

All Spencer could do was watch in despair as the woman he loved ran away from him and the job she loved - possibly for the last time. 

—-

Y/N had been staying in the apartment they shared after he “died,” but given how angry she was with him, Hotch and Morgan and the entire situation in general, she couldn’t return home. Instead, she stayed with Emily; she tried to convince her that Spencer did what he had to do, but Y/N couldn’t fathom the idea of leaving your loved one to think them dead when they weren’t. The entire seven months he’d been gone had been a lie and she truly didn’t know what was real anymore. 

She hadn’t officially resigned from the FBI, and she wasn’t sure she was going to, but she couldn’t return right now. Her two homes had been ripped out from under her; she had no place in the world.

As she sat on Emily’s couch, the place where her head lay soaked with tears she didn’t think she could muster anymore, she glanced down and saw the shimmer of the ring she still wore.

Without a word, she stood up, told Emily she’d return later and headed toward Spencer’s apartment. There was something that needed to be done.

“Y/N,” Spencer said as he opened the door, his eyes alight with hope for the first time since he’d returned. “What are you doing here?”

She held out her hand and he took it, unaware of what she held within it. Quickly as she had arrived, she turned around and left, leaving the minuscule, but heavy ring in his hand. “Y/N, please!” he called out. But it was too late. The door downstairs had already closed behind her, slamming his plea back into his face.

—-

Once back outside, Y/N walked back toward the subway station to go back to Emily’s place. She thought that a weight would’ve lifted from her shoulders, but all she felt was hopelessness. She loved Spencer more than anything else in the world. Before he “died,” she had been more than ready to marry him, but he’d lied to her, and even though he’d lied, she was still desperately in love with him and she hated herself for it. Everything in her told her to quit her job and move on, considering she didn’t think she could fully trust those close to her ever again, but as she walked down the stairs to the subway, she fought the urge to run back. Run back and forgive him, tell him how much she’d missed him, and work to rebuild their relationship. Her heart and mind were tearing her body into two different pieces, and she honestly wasn’t sure which one she wanted to win.


	2. Lost

After Spencer’s reappearance in your life and the lives of the others you loved, you told Hotch you needed a week or so off because you had things you needed to contemplate. The idea of leaving your job was a possibility, but you needed time to think. 

All of your thinking kept getting interrupted though because every time you drifted off and allowed your mind to go blank, Spencer would text or call in an attempt to explain himself. You wanted to talk to him, but honestly felt as though you couldn’t allow yourself that. If you did, you’d lose all resolve, or you’d tell him exactly how you really felt, and you weren’t sure that you wanted to share that with him. 

Your teammates all reached out as well. Emily, JJ, Penelope and Rossi told you that he did what needed to be done, but that they were there for you. Deep down, you knew Spencer did what he needed to do but that still didn’t make the whole thing any easier. Hotch had completely understood your need for time off, but you had also chewed him out for his part in everything. Besides Spencer, you were angriest with Morgan. He also attempted to call you constantly and just hours ago you had acquiesced and picked up the phone. You let him speak and then gave him a piece of your mind. “I realize Spencer did what he needed to do, but you sat there and watched me sob. I told you things I told no one else and you looked me in the eye and told me I was going to be okay when you knew he was alive. I don’t know how to deal with that, so just leave me the fuck alone and I’ll work through it in time. Or I won’t, but stop trying to explain yourself because I can’t look at you right now.”

Morgan had begged for you to talk to him, scream, curse him if you must, but not hang up the phone. Despite trying, you couldn’t; you hung up on him and threw the phone across the room before crying yourself to sleep at one o’clock in the afternoon. 

After that call, you told Hotch you were taking off for a few months, but you weren’t resigning yet. “I understand,” he said sadly, “But you do realize I can’t hold your job indefinitely.”

“I know, Hotch,” you said. “I just…I can’t right now.” And then you hung up, ignoring everyone and everything for nearly six weeks. Everyone was calling you incessantly, so you actually turned the phone off, telling your parents to call your landline if they needed you. 

Six weeks without talking to the people you loved had definitely allowed you time to think. There was a possibility you could go back to work, but you needed to talk to Spencer first. Everything needed to be in the open if you had any chance of working together or being together ever again. The thought of not having Spencer in your life made you sick, but what had happened made you angry and resentful. When you finally did turn your cell back on, you had such an insane amount of message that you just decided to delete them all, tell everyone through group message that you were back on the map, and left a message for Spencer, telling him to stop by your hotel room, which you had purchased for three months. 

Within hours, he’d showed up to your room, saying nothing as you let him in. “Can I please explain?” he asked.

You bit your lip and began to cry. “What can you explain that you haven’t already said?” 

Spencer walked across the room and sat next to you on the bed. “If I had come back, he would’ve used you to get to me. I couldn’t let that happen. If you’d been hurt because of me, I would’ve…Y/N, I would’ve killed myself.”

A sob escaped you. “Didn’t you ever think that I was struggling with the idea of killing myself after losing you?” Thick tears streamed down your face. When he placed his hand on your back, you recoiled. “I watched you get lowered into the ground Spence. I watched the man I love, the…” Bile rose in your throat as you thought about everything that happened. Curling into yourself, you fell to the bed and sobbed, nearly throwing up from the heaving sobs that kept wracking your body. 

“Please talk to me,” he said, sliding off the bed and attempting to make eye contact with you. “If you realize I did what I did to protect you then why can’t we try and move forward? I love you so much…there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of you - how much I missed you, your touch, your kiss. I hated every second away from you.”

“I did too,” you replied hoarsely.

Spencer cradled the sides of your face and pulled you upwards, his forehead resting against yours. “Then can we start over? Please?”

You shook your head. “I don’t know.”

“Why not?” he asked hopelessly, his eyes falling to the floor as he fiddled with his fingers. 

Hugging yourself, you stood up and leaned into the window of the hotel room, sitting on the ledge away from him. “Because, I…I didn’t just watch the love of my life get lowered into the ground that day.”

“What do you mean?”

The bile actually did rise in your throat this time, but you choked it back, speaking through the rising tears. “I watched the father of my baby get lowered into the ground.”

“You’re pregnant?” he asked, his eyes alight for two seconds before he realized the gravity of the situation. “Not anymore…you lost the baby from the stress of me being gone.” The reality sickened him as much as it had you, and he ran to the bathroom to throw up before returning. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…I…”

“I know you didn’t, but that doesn’t allay the fact that it happened. I was pregnant with your baby. We were going to get married and then you made a decision without me, made me think you were dead and then I lose that little piece of you I still had, all the while crying to Morgan about it while he knew that you were alive. I’m so…angry, Spence.” You were shaking with emotion. All you wanted was to hug him and forgive him, but you weren’t sure if you ever could. “I lost our baby when I thought it was the last piece of you I had, and then you show up, alive and well, and I’m still lost, because I thought you were gone and I lost a child. I did it by myself…like…I don’t know where to go from here.”

Spencer reached his hand out for yours and you reluctantly took it, your body unsure of how to react to his touch anymore. When he pulled you toward him, his head rested against your stomach. For a few moments, you stood there crying, not realizing that Spencer had been crying himself, whispering to your stomach, to your non-existent child, that he was sorry for everything he’d done. “Baby, I’m so sorry. After all this…please don’t let me lose you too. Please.”

As you looked down toward where your hands were tangled in his hair, you still weren’t sure what to do, so instead of trying to figure it out, you looked away, gathering his head closer to your stomach and sobbing for the lives that had been forever altered.


End file.
